I may be having an existential crisis, a mid life crisis, experiencing bored housewife syndrome, or even, perhaps, yet another nervous breakdown. I honestly can’t tell. I woke up today and all I could think was, “am I supposed to be doing something with my life?”. This is not to say that mothering isn’t wonderful and rewarding, of course it is. It is not, however,(for me) the end all be all of my life’s work. I’ve danced around this idea for years now. Before the birth of my kids, I was climbing that corporate ladder with plans to be making fat stacks of cash and living my version of the American (consumer driven) Dream, baby! Then I had kids, grew a heart, a conscience, a mental illness (yay!), and much later a spiritual self. Also, the early mothering of two special needs children took up all of my time, willpower and heart. Now that they are small people (8 & 9) they need me less and less. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still putting in plenty of mom work, but I think now I have a space allotted inside me for…well, me. I defined myself by my work for nearly a decade. That is not how I want to live now, but I do want something. Can work, or working, be an extension of my truth? Me with my high school education, my swinging moods, my creative (if not grounded) ideas, my strict scheduling requirements, my wild moods, and my unfathomable passion…can I do something? If so…. what? What will be my legacyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?
Too dramatic? Welllll, yes. I can be that. My point is this: I don’t need a job, I need a work of passion, an extension of my being, a vessel for my passion. No, not a hobby….well, maybe a hobby….but it feels like more than that. So confusing. That’s it, I’m enlisting your help. Help me?!?!? I am going to list ten things I am awesome at and ten things I suck the big D. at and then you guys can tell me what you think I should make my life’s work. Are you ready? Here we go!
10 Things I am amazeballs at:
- cooking food that may look like a pile of slop, but tastes like heaven in your face
- being stupidly early for everything
- being excited for short periods of time
- coming up with clever tag lines
- selling things
- creating structure in life
- eating pizza
- making people smile
- making coffee
- loving people
10 Things I suck big dick at:
- drawing, painting, etc…
- 2. being “normal” or blending in
- boundaries (I over share)
- remembering people’s names
- maintaining a neutral facial expression
- shaving my legs on a regular basis
- taking criticism
- not having a plan
- small talk
Perhaps I am over thinking things….or am I under thinking? This is one of those times I wish I could time travel to my own funeral to hear myself be eulogized (that’s a normal thought, right?), so I can see myself and what I gave to this world (or didn’t) more clearly. Hmmmm….maybe I should watch The Big Chill again.
Okay, deep breaths. In….out….in…out… Please tell me I am not the only one who thinking these things. Tell me about your own struggles, please. And then tell me what to do with my life. I fear making crafts and my deep devotion to Instagram are not worthy to be the hallmarks of my life. For now…I will attempt to just relax and let the universe bring it to me. I am open. Come to me!