So, wow….okay…another new calendar year has rolled into our lives. Time just seems to go faster the older I get. I truly hate clichés, but damned if they’re not accurate sometimes. Do you remember when a year felt like a lifetime? Now, I feel like it’s racing by and I have to run just to keep up with it. Maybe it’s getting older, maybe it’s parenting, or maybe it’s just the pace of the world; I don’t know. Last January I wrote a post about setting my goals and priorities for 2014. This morning, I read that post and smiled. I think I stayed the course, although I did get a bit sidetracked here and there. I also went through my Instagram photos for the past year and found that I could, very clearly, see the evolution of my mind and soul taking place. An evolution that as brought me here, to this very place; a place of relative clarity and purpose.
Just for fun, here’s what that evolution looked like. January found me feeling lost and sad. So I overcompensated with trying to look fabulous. February was the launch of my Stella&Dot endeavour…it did not go well. March is when my hubby began to travel for business (a lot) and I started to unravel a bit. By April, I felt like I was getting nowhere fast with my blog, and that felt like a huge personal failure (good news, though, it helped me realize I was not a fashion blogger….like, at all). Between my bipolar disorder raging and having to come to grips with my hubby travelling so frequently, I found solace in retail therapy…but found it wanting. This was a learning moment for me; things couldn’t make me happy. As summer came on in May, I tried my very best to put on a good face and move forward in life with as positive an attitude as I could muster. By June, I started to relax a bit. In July I had a health scare that rewarded me with my very first mammogram…it hurt as much as I thought it might. Good news, physical health was fine…bad news, anxiety was killing me anyway. With the hubby still travelling in July, I had a lot of time alone. I also began my hashtag #zaftigsociety to try and capture the feeling of being fun, smart, sexy fatties. It was fun and engaging, but felt…empty. In July and August, I also enjoyed the sunshine for the first time in years. I tried yoga in September…for about 25 days. Apparently I am not ready to dedicate myself to it, but I did find in very grounding. My mind began to settle nearing October, I remembered what my mission was, how I wanted to live my life. October, the month of my 39th birthday, was strange. I realized that for the first time in ages….I didn’t want anything…I was content. I was simply living my life in the moment, as best I could, and found it to be very fulfilling. This was a HUGE revelation for me. My spirit started to speak to me, and I listened. I began a journey within that I am still pursuing with relish. November and December were beautiful and peaceful, but still I found myself at years end, deeply depressed. This time, however, I healed myself with love and rest (and the kind understanding of my loving husband). By New Year’s Eve I was on the mend and ready to start again. So now, January of 2015, here I am; looking back, one last time. You know what they say about the past, “don’t look back, you’re not going that way”.
2015, I hope, is to be the year of my soul. I want to feed and nourish myself, body & soul, with love and care, as I have never before. I do not do resolutions. I do, however, like the idea of manifesting my happiness. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been jotting down a list of things I would like to bring about this year. More than anything, these are things I wish to have in my life because they will create joy for us. That is my wish. Joy, health, and love for my family and those I hold dear to me. It looks something like this:
- Continue learning about herbal medicine
- Grow a successful herb garden (my current one if dying, so sad!)
- Celebrate all 8 Sabbats and begin new family traditions
- Create my own recipe book of nourishing, loving foods
- Learn one new skill (sewing, soap making, etc…)
- Teach my children gratitude and personal responsibility
- Be kind, loving and playful with my wonderful husband
I’m making my own world now; a world where heart and mind have more value than things found in the racks of clothing stores or the number of likes one gets on Instagram. I want to build a life of purpose and worth by my own measure. I want to make this world, my world, a better and more beautiful place to be. There’s magic in the making. You might hear me say that often. I think that creating things, be it cooking, art, music, clothing, is one of the best ways to bring light and love to yourself. So I am creating, as often as possible. I think maybe, finally, I am comfortable enough in my own skin to write my own story; to dance to the beat of my drummer, to fly my eccentric crazy flag, and be happy with it. If you are still reading this, I’m impressed. I think I’m writing this more for myself than anyone else. So, I am sorry if it seems a little all over the place. That’s just how my mind works. So let’s start this year, The Year of My Soul and see where it takes us, shall we?